Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Merry Fuckin' Christmas (Grrrrrr, Spit!)


I survived. We survived. Whatever. It's over and thank God for that.

Christmas has never been my favorite time of the year. Well, at least not since I was a poverty-stricken young single mom. I'm not poverty-stricken anymore, or young or single, either, but I can still take it or leave it. This year I would've preferred to leave it.

The past few months I've been dealing with the worst bout of depression I've experienced in six years. If you've noticed that my natural wit and charm have been missing from this blog lately, it's because they're buried beneath the ton of lead that's parked in my chest.

I know why I'm depressed. I just can't get the reasons why I'm depressed fixed so I can be happy again, and I'm really pissed off about that.

So I had a miserable Christmas and I pretty much made sure everybody else did, too. I'm not proud of my behavior, but during my worst hissy fits I was detached from my body, watching from the sidelines, and just as shocked and horrified as everybody else.

A big part of my depression is the Bob/Brittany thing. It's an awkward situation and no matter how it ends up, whether Britt stays here with me or goes to live with her dad, somebody is going to hurt. I just don't want Britt to be hurt, no matter what happens.

Another big part is that I haven't had a car since, um, June, maybe? I don't remember. Too damn long is all I know. Bridget's car broke down and she borrowed mine so I've been waiting all this time for either:
  • Bridget to get enough money together to get her car fixed,
  • Bob to come here and fix Bridget's car, or
  • Mikey to get Bridget's car fixed somewhere, anywhere, I don't care where
so I can have my car back.

Y'all know I'm a dedicated homebody and when I do have my car, I haven't been known to go anywhere very often. But that was my choice. Now I don't have any choice, and I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

I used to avidly study schedules for kid's activities all over the metro area, waiting for Britt to be old enough to go out and do things with. Now that she's old enough, we can't do anything. No story time at the library, no Gymboree, no dance lessons or music lessons or art lessons. No Crossroads Kids Club once a month.

Instead, we're stuck here at the house every single day, with the same old books and toys and videos and TV shows and she's bored and I'm bored and I feel like our time together is coming to an end and this is not how I wanted our time together to be.

And then suddenly Christmas came bearing down on me like a runaway freight train and I couldn't get any shopping done because I don't have a fucking car and it's Mikey's busiest time of the year and he couldn't get off work in time for me to use his car to go out and get anything done before everything closed for the night and then suddenly it was the week before Christmas.

Mikey and I both were totally dog sick for three days this past week and could barely stand upright (Britt had a runny nose and cough for like one day) and then on Thursday, or maybe Friday (I can't remember; I never know what day it is), Bridgie let me borrow my own car and babysat Britt so I could finally go get some shopping done. But I didn't get it all done, because there was too much to do and I still felt sick and weak.

I knew Bob was coming in for the weekend but I never heard from him and, like I said, I never know what day it is, so when he and his girlfriend showed up at my door completely unannounced, I went completely apeshit. I was not ready, I had no warning, I needed more time and, by the way, it's so rude not to call first! Even Sherri knows to call first before she comes over!

Anyway, I don't remember what I said or did, except that I burst into tears and ran to the garage to hide out. And I cried most of the weekend. And I wasn't very nice to anybody. I felt used up, exhausted and sick. And bleak. I never did finish my shopping. I simply declared that I was done and left Mikey to do what he could to make sure everybody was taken care of and that was that.

So I'm sorry, Bob (and Mary) and Bridgie and Mikey, that I was such a bitch and that it wasn't a happy and peaceful Christmas. If I had it to do over again... Well, if I had to do it over again I'd just shoot myself and be done with it. But I wish it had been different.

Gawd, I hate Christmas.

New Year's Eve can't come soon enough, though, 'cuz Mommy's ready to go on a bender.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Home from the Holidays


We went to Tahlequah Sunday for my family's Christmas gathering, which is an arduous journey but well worth it because it's the only time of the year I get to see everybody together (except for Sherri & Chris, who can only drive that far if there's hunting or fishing involved). We had a good visit, ate a lot and did the Dirty Santa thing.

While we were there, Brittany attended her first-ever tea party (with cousins Madison and Piper),

Britt's First Tea Party

and discovered that she loves jumping on a trampoline almost as much as riding a pony:

On the Trampoline

Then we came home and crashed; Britt and I didn't wake up today until Bridgie came over for lunch. And then I had a frazzling day because I had too many chores to catch up on, because Britt wouldn't take a nap so I could catch a break, and because of one other reason that is just Too Much Information but it startled the hell out of me, so when Mikey called to say he was on his way home from work, I may have whimpered a little. So he brought me a bouquet of beautiful coral-pink roses to cheer me up.

It worked.

And now I need to Google pre-menopausal symptoms to see if I can figure out why that TMI thing happened.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

"Pree Yights!"


We've noticed several vehicles circling around the cul-de-sac and pausing in front of our house lately. We wondered what was up with that, until we drove Britt around to look at all the pretty lights and it finally occurred to us that they must be spectators looking at our Christmas lights.

Mikey went shopping again, so now there's a fence of snowflake-shaped yard lights in front of Santa and the Iceman, and a big star on the front of the house. And he's still not done yet:

Christmas Lights

(The light bulb in the Iceman's head keeps burning out, which is pretty annoying. Also, the red and green candy canes look like they're marching straight across the yard in this picture, which is odd because they line the curved walkway up to the front door.)

We still have a bunch of snowflake lights (that match the yard lights) to hang in the trees, and the trees and the fence by the garage will also be wrapped with lights. I think next year Mikey's planning to put stuff on the roof as well.

So, anyway, that's our Clark Griswold Christmas so far. It's hard to look at it and not smile, but I'd be feeling a lot more Christmas spirit if I had any of my Christmas shopping done, but I don't, and that's a whole 'nother post.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I think I'm going to


change the name of my blog.

I always meant to, because I never really liked "Little Sis." I used to call Britt that sometimes when she was so tiny, and I'm a little sis too, so when I had to come up with a name for this blog, it was the only thing I could think of that wasn't already taken.

I never call Britt "Little Sis" anymore.

I call her Big Sugar, Sugar Booger, Sugar Pie, Sugar Fuzz, Fuzzy Sugar, Sweet Baby Love, Britty-Boo, Pretty Britty, Doll Baby, Pooty-Poo, Stinkbait, Silly Putty, Punkin Poopers, and the Sweetest Little Girl in the World. And that's all in one day.

(I never call her Baby Girl, though; Bridgie will always be my Baby Girl.)

I don't know what I'll change the title to yet but, after Christmas is over, I'll be changing my colors back to frosty blues. So, if you came here and saw different colors and a different title, would you think you came to the wrong place?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Countess


I told you that Britt is counting, right? First, it was just reciting the numbers, then she started counting things, like crayons and books.

Now she can identify written numbers. Her little laptop has a bunch of different number and letter games on it, and she's a whiz at the one where she has to push the right number when prompted. She's starting to get pretty good at the letter version of the same game. We yay and clap for her or, if we get distracted, she'll yay and clap for herself and say, "Bitney smaht girl!"

I have no idea whether a kid her age should be able to do that much already, but I'm impressed anyway.

When she sees someone dancing and singing, like the Wiggles or Hi-5, she tries to copy the movements and sing along, but she usually only manages to shout out the last word of each line, so "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" goes something like this:
........................ star!
........................ are!
........................ high!
........................ sky!
So I borrowed this from the library the other day. She's watched it four or five times already and her singing has improved quite a bit. Today she was even singing into a little microphone-shaped booklight that she found somewhere.

It's all just cuter than shit, but we try not to giggle about it in front of her because she might develop a complex or something and get all self-conscious, like me.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I took a nap


and dreamed that Britt got into Mikey's shaving cream and slathered it all over her head, and then she took a razor and shaved big swaths of hair off the top, leaving long pink strips of baldness. I cried and cried when I saw it.

And then I woke up and saw this:

MVC-006S

It's not nearly as bad as the shaving thing would've been; she only got into my makeup bag, so I had to laugh. And grab the camera.